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Katy Perry’s Lists

July 8, 2011

Dearest Di,

You know Katy Perry?

Oooohhh…Diiiii…

Katy Perry! You know, “Ca-Li-For-Nia Girls, Be Do Na Doony Doo” yada yada

Ca-Li-For-Nia

RIGHT! That Katy Perry. Well I was listening to the radio this morning. I like to start my day with some low-grade zone out music. Katy Perry, Rob Thomas. Lifehouse. That crew. And upon listening to KP’s new single “Last Friday Night” (which I admittedly find oddly endearing) I realized that our girl has actually just released another laundry list of bad choices. Let me explain…

Get your thinking cap on, Di! We are going to compare and contrast the lyrics to “Last Friday Night” (L.F.N.) with “Waking Up in Vegas.”  (W.U.I.V.) Let’s use everything we learned in school. Thesis:

To prove that 2 out of 3 of Katy Perry’s last singles were actually just lists of things she could not believe she did or just plain forgot about from the previous day(s).

Feelings of disorientation intoxication in the morning:

W.U.I.V

  • You gotta help me out
  • It’s all a blur last night
  • We need a taxi ’cause you’re hung-over and I’m broke
  • Why are these lights so bright?
  • Oh, did we get hitched last night dressed up like Elvis?

L.F.N.

  • There’s a pounding my head (much like our previous hang over)
  • It’s a black top blur (notice that we are in a “blur” yet again)
  • I smell like a minibar
  • DJ’s passed out in the yard
  • Think we kissed but I forgot
  • Glitter all over the room

Evidence of skanky choices from previous night(s):

W.U.I.V.

  • I lost my fake ID but you lost the MOTEL key
  • Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now (Glitter AGAIN?! WHY?!)
  • That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas

L.F.N.

  • There’s a stranger in my bed
  • There’s a hickie or a bruise
  • We went streaking in the park
  • Skinny dipping in the dark
  • Then had a menage a trois

False bravado:

W.U. I. V.

  • Don’t be a baby
  • Remember what you told me

L.F.N.

  • Pictures of last night ended up online, I’m screwed, OH WELL
I think it’s safe to say, Di, that this confirms what we originally thought. She’s making some bad choices. To say the least. There are a lot more examples in Last Friday Night, mostly because there are more words. But either way, it’s bad.
LEARN FROM HER MISTAKES, DI!
Truth,
jb
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Hoooo-aahh!

January 22, 2011

DIARY!!!

LONG…LOST…BEAUTIFUL…DIARY!!!

It’s me! JB.

Don’t you recognize me?…

Oh no…don’t tell me that you’re jealous of Tumblr. Don’t even TELL me!…Do not make that face!

You KNOW I would never ditch you. My Tumblr is just smaller than you so I had to spend some time with her. And thank goodness I did. She’s growing into a beautiful young lady now, but no one could ever replace my DIARY.

THERE it is. That ol’ Diary smile I know so well. I knew you couldn’t stay mad for long.

What have I been up to? Oh, just finishing my ALBUM! I cannot express to you the satisfaction that comes along with completing such an arduous task. I have lived, learned, and walked through the proverbial fire with this piece. You’re gonna LOVE it.

Are you coming to my single release show at the Canal Room on March 4?

…The CANAL ROOM, Di. In New York City…

oh sheesh. I see not much has changed. You really don’t know anything. The Canal Room is only one of my favorite small venues in NY. I hope you didn’t double book with something stupid like your ingrown toenail surgery again. I haven’t been back to New York for a while now so I’m anxious to return…

ok, Di. I think we need to start again. I don’t want to go right back to publicly berating you, but I do need you to look alive and stay on your toes a bit more (the ones withOUT the ingrown nails)…

Stand UP! Stop whining and throwing your arms up and dropping down to the ground every time I try to pick up up. You’re gonna be fine!

 

…Ok. You can have your juice when we get in the van.

 

Glad to be back,

jb

…The Chord Progression…

January 13, 2010

Agent Di:

Even though you’re still a gumshoe, I feel it necessary to reveal to you… The Rosetta Stone of  popular music. The richest, most subversive culprit in all of Western music. (God, I wish someone had taken me under their wing when I was a young agent.)

Underneath all of the flashy production (ie the layering of 500 guitars, drum loops, processed vocals, general beeps and boops, and that descending laser sound in every Lady Gaga song) there are 3 very basic, components to a song. I’m not going to tell you what they are because you’re not ready, gumshoe…not YET…but you will be soon.

Among the 3 lives the most beautiful and most dangerous one of the lot. One that will be owned by no one. It is the wild beast of the music kingdom. That illusive culprit…the chord progression!

Take a breath, Agent Di. I know the suspense is pretty high right now. But you must remain calm!

The chord progression will not be tamed. It is a wild-child. Ever-mutating. It is prone to take on the style of whichever sweet young melody its courting this week.

Currently, there are roughly 4 chord progressions that have monopolized much of popular western music. Today, we focus on one such variety. The I-V-vi-IV. For your purposes as a new agent, Di, we’ll put it in civilian terms. “The Douche.”

“The Douche” can be found hidden in plain sight. Below, a youtube video to better demonstrate this phenomenon:

“The Douche” is a real Eve’s Apple. What fine, simple, sleek contours it sports. What slick hair and sharply ironed clothes! No one hates The Douche. How could you? It’s the girl next door! But I challenge you to look deeper, Agent Di.

We’ll debrief at another time as to the whereabouts of the other 3 monopolizers, but until then, this should leave you with plenty of work.

Your mission: Find “The Douche” wherever “The Douche” has set up camp and…then you want to…well then…if you can find a way to…

ok. You actually can’t do anything at all. But you’ll know what you’re hearing next time it rears its ugly head! And you’ll go “Hey! It’s The Douche!”

Then your friends will get mad because they’ll think you’re talking about them. And you’ll say, “No. It’s just this chord progression.”

And they’ll say, “Stop being so pretentious, Di.” But all the while, you’ll know the truth.

Such is the life of an agent.

-Burns out

My Favorite Albums Ever, aka: The Best

October 6, 2009

Hey Diary,

     Lately I’ve been thinking. So many times, I’ve been asked the question: What is your favorite artist? And I don’t know that I can completely answer that. Mostly because of something that I just realized 2 days ago.

     I really love certain albums. Though the artists are, of course, wonderful, it’s the specific albums that have me coming back over and over again. So I though I’d go ahead and post a list for my own mind. And yours since I guess you’re sitting here with me. Ok. Here goes:

Fiona Apple – When the Pawn

Edwin McCain – Misguided Roses

Feist – The Reminder

Rufus Wainwright – Want One

Sarah McLachlan – Surfacing

Nickel Creek – Why Should the Fire Die?

Andrew Lippa – The Wild Party

Rockapella – Don’t Tell Me You Do

Eric Hutchinson – Sounds Like This

Marc Broussard – Carencro

John Mayer – Room For Squares

Dixie Chicks – Fly

Ben Folds Five – Whatever and Ever Amen

Mariah Carey – Merry Christmas

Ingrid Michaelson – Girls and Boys

Ella Fitzgerald – Oh Lady, BeGood! Best of the Gershwin Songbook

Brandi Carlile – The Story

Dave Matthews – Under the Table and Dreaming

Dave Matthews – Live at Red Rocks

Ahrens and Flaherty – Ragtime

Stevie Wonder – The Definitive Collection

There are many more, Di. This will have to be an ever-evolving list. These are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head. I’ll edit this post as  I remember more.

And what’s on YOUR list, Di? Let me guess:

Gwar

 

Gwar

Gwar

 

 

Oh, Diary. So predictable, you are.

 

High Fives,

jb

One Night Only – Fri May 15

April 21, 2009

 

Di,

 

     I’m so excited about this show I have coming up. It’s the one where I get back to my musical theater roots and perform in a blackbox theater. 

 

Soooooort of like this one. But not exactly.

Soooooort of like this one. But not exactly.

 

 

No, Di. I’m not doing songs from musicals (unfortunately). And I know… You’re not the only person who doesn’t know what a blackbox is, I’ve learned. So let me explain it to you. It’s maybe the single most fantastic blank palette a girl could ever ask for! A room that can be transformed for any type of performance that can fit inside those four black walls. A small theater in the (semi) round.  The one you see up there is just a pic I collected from Google Images. Not the real place. But you get the gist. 

 

At this show, I get to fully realize all the musical ideas I’ve had for the past 2 years. I’m bringing in some of my musician pals to play all sorts of wonderful things like strings, horns, and more. And they are going to make my EP come to life. Well, my EP plus a few more songs I’ve been cooking up. 

But that’s not where the awesomeness ends, Di. So stop trying to interrupt…

At 8pm, my friend Kate McKinnon is opening the night with her one-woman show called Best Actress. She is ridiculously talented and hilarious. I’m so pleased to have her be a part of it, Di. I’m pleased as punch. She’s got some sweet credits like being a part of Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and a cast member on LOGO’s Big Gay Sketch Show. On top of  that, she’s a thoroughly enjoyable princess of a young lady.

 

This is Kate McKinnon.

This is Kate McKinnon.

Di, I think this blog is going to have lots of vids and pics. It can’t be helped. So don’t start complaining to me about clutter.

 

We’ve done a short series of promo vids in honor of the event. You can see the first one right here. 

And the second…

 

Oh come oooon, Di… You you still don’t get it?  Ok, here’s a recap:

A night of sketch comedy and live music

Friday May 15, 2009

One Night Only:

Joanna Burns with Special Guest Comedian Kate McKinnon

Doors at 7:30pm

Located at the George Street Playhouse

9 Livingston Ave.

New Brunswick, NJ 08901

 

I’ll see you there, Di. You should wear that red dress you wore to your sister’s bachelorette party. It made you look very modern.

 

With a firm handshake and a wink,

jb

A Certain Mr. Harry Connick Jr!

December 10, 2008

Diary, Diary, Diary,

What an experience last Thursday! On Dec 4, I had the honor of playing at NJPAC in Newark, NJ.

 

NJPAC

NJPAC

 

 

That’s the New Jersey Performing Arts Center, Di. 

I was the Prelude to the main attraction, which was…Harry Connick Jr!

 

Mr. Jr.

Mr. Jr.

 

 

Yes. I know, Di. I was very excited.

And let me tell you THIS. That boy can PLLAAAAY the piano. And he has such lovely fans. Everyone treated me like gold. I felt loved. Like if…like if I was an infant, the audience would have been cradling me in bunting. 

So I’d love to make it back to the ol’ PAC one day soon and craft a few more jams for them. I’ll have some vids to show you really soon if you’re curious as to what this palace of a concert hall looks like from the INside.

ok, Di. I’ll have to leave you with that. I know how much you love Mr. Jr. But stop drooling all over yourself here, PLEASE! Pull it together. I’m sorry you couldn’t be there. Maybe next time.

With love,

-jb