Archive for the ‘Irrational Fears’ Category

The Dairy Queen

June 21, 2011

Dearest Di,

Have I ever told you about my fear of dairy?

Irrational? Maybe. Real? Definitely.

Well…ok. I can’t say that I’m exactly aFRAID of it. But it just grosses me out to the point of retreating from the sight of it.

Oh now, Di. You don’t mean to tell me that your fear of Katherine Heigl isn’t irrational…

What was it? She looks “religiously judgmental?”

mmm. I thought so.

Alright, so let me clarify my position. I don’t care much about cheeses; swiss or cheddar and the like.

I’m talking about soft or liquid dairy. Milk, ricotta cheese, ice cream, milkshakes. These are the evils of which I speak. My fear comes not from the dairy itself, but rather, from the potential SPOILage of the dairy that tends to sneak up on you like a high tide or a few extra pounds.

Picture, if you will, a young baby. All of 1 or 2 years of age. His mother brings him to the boardwalk on a hot day. ‘Wow. What a great day for some ┬áice cream. Some nice vanilla soft serve,” she says aloud to no one. Mommy purchases said ice cream and proceeds to hand said baby a small cone. But only, oh! It’s melting a little too quickly! As the baby smashes it to his face in an attempt to devour all of the sweet deliciousness, the melted ice cream runs down his chin and onto his shirt/pants/shoes. Mom wipes it off but it’s too hot. It already begins to ferment. 2 hours later, mom notices a foul odor emanating from little baby. It’s the GROSS DAIRY that never gets cleaned all the way and ALWAYS stinks.

The end.

Nice story, Di. Right?

Anywho, that’s how I feel. So say what you will, but some things just never change. Death, taxes, and spilled milk smell.

Walking away and then turning quickly back to implement the stink eye,