Archive for November, 2008

My Will

November 26, 2008

Dearest Di,

      I know we’ve never talked about this but we only get a little bit of time on this earth. When we’re born, it seems like we have forever. When we’re teenagers, we feel invincible. When we’re middle aged, we feel like we grew up too fast and when we’re old, we feel that life has blown by us like a gust of wind. 

Where am I going with this? I’m putting you in charge of carrying out my last wishes, Di. 

No. You can’t turn me down. This is me putting myself out there. You’ve got to meet me half way or I’ll never know how to trust again. So shut up.

Alright. Here goes. My last wishes. 

1. Compose a stern letter to Meg Ryan asking her to stop doing that confused, open mouthed-head shaking face she does in The Women…and You’ve Got Mail…and When Harry Met Sally…and In the Land of Women, and Sleepless in Seattle, and Kate and Leopold.

This video is actually best viewed with the sound OFF. The monologue is incidental.

2. Research and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nick Nolte and Gary Busey are, in fact, 2 separate men. Current evidence points to the contrary.

3. Call the Skylark Diner in Edison, NJ and complain that their dish “Shrimp 3 Ways” should have more than 6 shrimp…for $13. 

That’ll do for now. If I think of any more, I’ll call you. 

Where is this all coming from? Well if you must know, I accidentally/on purpose, ate some cocktail sauce tonight that expired in 2006.

Yes, it was already open! I don’t know. I guess it had been in my refrigerator for 2 years, DI.

Look, just…if I die tonight, take care of that stuff for me, alright? Thank you.

With love,

jb

A Dance With the Devil

November 20, 2008

Dear Diary,

     Have you ever seen Supersize Me?

 

The poster for Supersize Me.

The poster for Supersize Me.

Yeah. That movie that came out about 6 years ago where the guy runs a sort of experiment on himself wherein he consumes nothing but McDonald’s products for a full year. And he charts the changes it makes to his body.

So being an impressionable loser, I vowed never to eat McDonald’s food again… and hadn’t for the last 6 years…until last Saturday.

 

The McDonald's logo.

The McDonald's logo.

 

That’s when I had a voluntary relapse. Yes, Di. I said “voluntary.” That would mean that I was fully aware of what I was doing. Of my own, free will, I took a trip down to the nearest establishment, and ordered a #14. That’s a fish sandwich with fries and a drink. 

As I walked in, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone in the place knew each other and that I was the out-of-towner even though I was technically in the town where I live.

So while I broke the 6-year streak of no McDonald’s, I was pleased to find that it no longer had the seductive effect on me that it once did. I was not drawn to it. I did not need it, and when I finished my strange, albeit tasty meal, I never wanted to go back. At least not for another 6 years.

I should say though, Di, that it did bring back some childhood memories. I remembered going there with my brother and my dad buying us lunch on a Saturday.

The Burns family.

The Burns family.

That’s how they getcha! Or so I saw in Supersize me. They start you young.

But I think what I realized most, Di, was that McDonald’s is not the devil. It’s just a burger joint. 

And while it does possess a certain amount of power, like the Sphinx

 

The Sphinx.

The Sphinx.

 

                                  or Oprah,

 

 

Oprah

Oprah

there’s a lot more to life than quietly protesting fast food. 

One thing I do know is that I can’t wait to eat another fish sandwich in 2014!

With Love and Hugs That Last a Little Too Long,

-jb

Advice From a Stranger

November 19, 2008

My Dearest Di,
I’ve collected some information this week while we were apart… Important stuff. Life stuff. Whatever. Don’t make fun… 
I’d like to now impart this knowledge unto you. 
Don’t laugh, Di! Stop!… Just listen… 
Ok here goes.
I’d like to recommend never to eat falafel right before you sing.

 

Falafel in a pita.

Falafel in a pita.

 

 

Not even as a test of which foods will or will not give you indigestion. Not that I’ve tried it or anything. I just heard from this girl so I’m being a good friend in telling you that if you ever find yourself faced with that option, go ahead and turn it down.

Likewise, if you should ever come across buffalo shrimp and/or buffalo french fries, you can actually go ahead and eat them but just don’t plan on leaving your house after that.

 

A plate of buffalo shrimp.

A plate of buffalo shrimp.

 

 

Again, not that I’ve tried it but it’s just this girl told me about how she did. And so I’m being a good friend in telling you about the precautions you would need to take, should you find yourself faced with a plate of buffalo shrimp.

I know how you like zesty foods, Di. I’m just saying be responsible about it.

You’re welcome.

Oh! And you just reminded me. 
If you ever make a fruit smoothie, don’t blend it toooo long, because then too much air could get into it and it COULD develop this weird consistency and solidify in the cup. And then when you go to drink it, you MIGHT not be able to get it out at first.

 

A smoothie.

A smoothie.

 

 

And, I’ve heard, that when you try to tilt the cup back a little farther, it MIGHT all fall in your face as a unit, covering you with fruit smoothie. I’ve heard. I don’t know. The same girl tried it as I guess the one who did all that other stuff.

Don’t be an idiot, Di. OF COURSE the smoothie still tasted good!… 
Like I said. I’m just being a friend and passing on this information that came my way. From this girl. This stupid, sloppy girl. 

And you can do with it what you will.
love, jb

Cows, Gourds, Peeing, and 50-Year-Old Men

November 18, 2008

Di…!!!

I milked a cow. With my mom.

I did not want to do that.

 

Joanna and a Cow

Joanna and a Cow

 

 

I went through a haunted corn maze and was forced through something called a “squeeze machine” that almost made me pee in my pants.

I did not expect to do that.

I sang “My Girl” as the front-woman to a cover band comprised of 50 year old men.

I did not intend to do that. … Now I’m excited to make a trek out to Delaware and bear witness to something called “Pumpkin Chunkin’.” I’m going to get to watch people catapult gourds through the air. My life may never be more complete than it is right now. p.s. I’m not enjoying Twilight very much.

Welcome to my sweet pad!

November 18, 2008

I have a blog on myspace but it’s been brought to my attention that the world has expanded on the blog front and so should I. So I’ll start by bringing in a few recent blogs from the ol’ myspace in case you’re just joining us, and we’ll go from there. How does that sound? It’ll be nice and easy. I promise.

I’ll cradle you like a parent holding their sleeping child and I’ll bring you out of the car and into the house. Next I’ll put you into your footy pajamas. And you know what? You’re not even going to know what happened. You’ll just wake up warm in your new blog bed, none the wiser. sssshhhh…