…The Chord Progression…

Agent Di:

Even though you’re still a gumshoe, I feel it necessary to reveal to you… The Rosetta Stone of  popular music. The richest, most subversive culprit in all of Western music. (God, I wish someone had taken me under their wing when I was a young agent.)

Underneath all of the flashy production (ie the layering of 500 guitars, drum loops, processed vocals, general beeps and boops, and that descending laser sound in every Lady Gaga song) there are 3 very basic, components to a song. I’m not going to tell you what they are because you’re not ready, gumshoe…not YET…but you will be soon.

Among the 3 lives the most beautiful and most dangerous one of the lot. One that will be owned by no one. It is the wild beast of the music kingdom. That illusive culprit…the chord progression!

Take a breath, Agent Di. I know the suspense is pretty high right now. But you must remain calm!

The chord progression will not be tamed. It is a wild-child. Ever-mutating. It is prone to take on the style of whichever sweet young melody its courting this week.

Currently, there are roughly 4 chord progressions that have monopolized much of popular western music. Today, we focus on one such variety. The I-V-vi-IV. For your purposes as a new agent, Di, we’ll put it in civilian terms. “The Douche.”

“The Douche” can be found hidden in plain sight. Below, a youtube video to better demonstrate this phenomenon:

“The Douche” is a real Eve’s Apple. What fine, simple, sleek contours it sports. What slick hair and sharply ironed clothes! No one hates The Douche. How could you? It’s the girl next door! But I challenge you to look deeper, Agent Di.

We’ll debrief at another time as to the whereabouts of the other 3 monopolizers, but until then, this should leave you with plenty of work.

Your mission: Find “The Douche” wherever “The Douche” has set up camp and…then you want to…well then…if you can find a way to…

ok. You actually can’t do anything at all. But you’ll know what you’re hearing next time it rears its ugly head! And you’ll go “Hey! It’s The Douche!”

Then your friends will get mad because they’ll think you’re talking about them. And you’ll say, “No. It’s just this chord progression.”

And they’ll say, “Stop being so pretentious, Di.” But all the while, you’ll know the truth.

Such is the life of an agent.

-Burns out

The 3rd Apparently Annual Winter Break Show

My Diary. Hello. How are we today?

It’s that time of year again. That’s right! It’s…

…

THE APPARENTLY ANNUAL WINTER BREAK SHOW!!!!

This has been the 3rd year in a row. And I meant to thank you again, Di, for all your help. I know the audience didn’t get to see you because you’re a real behind-the-scenes worker. But you really wowed me with all that heavy lifting! We didn’t have to move a single table thanks to you! To be honest, if we weren’t such friends, I might be intimidated by your imposing physique.

Diary in a bikini...moving her face really fast.

So I do hope you’ll be there this year as well. If not to help, then just to hang out. We had a blast last year and while we’ve changed locations this time around, we are ready for MAXIMUM FUN.

It’s going to be me (JB)

Amanda Duncan, Chris Ayer, and Ladykiller (aka acoustic trio Matt Burns {my bro}, Justin Gallo, and Jon Cabrera).

Saturday January 2

7pm

New Point Comfort Fire House

192 Carr Avenue
Keansburg, NJ 07734

All ages

$8 advance/ $10 door (you can email me directly at joanna@joannaburns.com for advanced tickets)

Kids 10 and under get in free

And as always, your cover also gets you unlimited home-baked goods and beverages (while supplies last). Also, Di, it’s a real family environment. We arrange it cafe-style, with tables and chairs and pretty decorations.

You know, you’re a true friend, Diary. Even if you can’t make it, I hope you have a great winter break. I know classes have been hard for you. Hopefully you won’t FLUNK out of EVERYTHING again this semester.

love,

jb

A Song Inspired by The Lovely Bones

Di! Di!

It’s me! JB. Remember my song called “Small Things?” …No? You don’t? Well I’ll refresh your memory. A few years back, I read that book called “The Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold.

No. I know. It was amazing. I can’t even.

The story is basically of a young girl named Susie, who is murdered. She narrates from heaven, looking down on her family as they live their lives, and have various interactions with HER KILLER…yes. They don’t know that he’s her killer but the story evolves into her trying to infiltrate the living world in order to help them solve the crime.

Heavy stuff.

So I lay in my bed one night as a college student and just couldn’t shake Susie’s story. I couldn’t shake her world, Di. It reminded me a lot of Our Town by Thornton Wilder. The idea of seeing what you once had, but not being able to touch it. Seeing the life that you lived so casually and all the small things you took for granted. That’s just heart-breaking to me, Di. I don’t deal well with regret. In fact, I don’t do regret at all.

So my song, “Small Things” touches on those ideas. And interweaves a bit of the actual story as well.

Now I know the movie just came out in limited release. And while “Small Things” was inspired by the book, since I have yet to see the film, let me tell you, Di. I have been waiting for this movie for a good 2 years. I heard that it was going to become a major motion picture in 2008 as I was mixing my EP,

My EP, "Music From & Inspired By"

and even submitted my song for consideration to be included in the film. But sadly, they passed on it.

I would love to show it to Alice Sebold, the author. Because obviously, that ship has sailed, but I would feel some sense of completion knowing that she had at least heard it.

Oh well, Diary. But OH! I should include this little vid I did. (rhyme)

I just used some shots from the trailer and laid my song “Small Things” over it.

I hope you like it.

“The Lovely Bones” will be in wide release on January 15. I know this because I foolishly awaited what was announced as opening day, Dec. 11, only to discover that it was not showing any closer than an hour away. In one theater. At all.

In any event, I can’t WAIT to see it on January 15! I don’t care what any reviews have to say. I feel a very personal connection to this story, Di. And no, I’ve never gone through any of the things that Susie does. It just struck a chord. I’ve been playing my song for so long (rhyme) that I never forgot how the book made me feel. Even 4 years later.

With a coy smile,

jb =)

My Favorite Albums Ever, aka: The Best

Hey Diary,

     Lately I’ve been thinking. So many times, I’ve been asked the question: What is your favorite artist? And I don’t know that I can completely answer that. Mostly because of something that I just realized 2 days ago.

     I really love certain albums. Though the artists are, of course, wonderful, it’s the specific albums that have me coming back over and over again. So I though I’d go ahead and post a list for my own mind. And yours since I guess you’re sitting here with me. Ok. Here goes:

Fiona Apple – When the Pawn

Edwin McCain – Misguided Roses

Feist – The Reminder

Rufus Wainwright – Want One

Sarah McLachlan – Surfacing

Nickel Creek – Why Should the Fire Die?

Andrew Lippa – The Wild Party

Rockapella – Don’t Tell Me You Do

Eric Hutchinson – Sounds Like This

Marc Broussard – Carencro

John Mayer – Room For Squares

Dixie Chicks – Fly

Ben Folds Five – Whatever and Ever Amen

Mariah Carey – Merry Christmas

Ingrid Michaelson – Girls and Boys

Ella Fitzgerald – Oh Lady, BeGood! Best of the Gershwin Songbook

Brandi Carlile – The Story

Dave Matthews – Under the Table and Dreaming

Dave Matthews – Live at Red Rocks

Ahrens and Flaherty – Ragtime

Stevie Wonder – The Definitive Collection

There are many more, Di. This will have to be an ever-evolving list. These are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head. I’ll edit this post as  I remember more.

And what’s on YOUR list, Di? Let me guess:

Gwar

 

Gwar

 

 

Oh, Diary. So predictable, you are.

 

High Fives,

jb

Mister Ed’s Elephant Museum

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what YOU’ve been doing, but I’ve been backpacking through the Swiss Alps with my walrus friend, The Colonel.

JB and The Colonel.

So it was really hard to keep in touch. There were some rough days there when I didn’t think I would make it through. But The Colonel always pulled me back from the edge. And you know what? I think I’m better for it…

…

NOT! I was here all along, Diary. I just didn’t call you. So gullible, you are.

But I did do something wasply adventurous. I played a couple of shows a ways off from my native land, in the faraway nation of Waynesburg, Pennsylvania. I was accompanied by my sometime-guitarist, photographer, securitizer, and friend Chucks Pranio. The people of Waynesburg UNIVERSITY (where the schooling happens, I presume) greeted us kindly and allowed me to play my jams in their beautiful performing arts center! It was one of the nicest rooms I’ve ever played in! You know I always prefer a traditional theater, Di. We’ll have to go back again sometime!

Fascinatingly, the nation of Waynesburg goes to bed quite early! So when Chucks and I ventured out to gather some food, we found no open stores or restaurants, and resolved on the only place with any sign of life, the Wendy’s drive-thru.

As you know, I myself do not eat beef or poultry, Diary, so I ordered a baked potato from the voice in the box. It was quick to inform me, though, that all of the baked potatoes had been sold as of 20 minutes prior. Instead I ordered a Caesar salad and some french fries. (Between you and me, Di, I couldn’t see why, if they had french fries, that they couldn’t fashion a single baked potato out of the lot by pressing them together but I didn’t ask questions.) When I did bring my meal back to my hotel, I was surprised to find bacon on my Caesar salad…

But aside from this single time-sensitive incident, I can still say that I honestly enjoyed this new land. Its inhabitants were friendly, kind, and welcoming. And the next morning, Chucks and I set out on a short journey to find an establishment known as the Airport Restaurant.

We did. And we ate there.

Then came the Commonwealth of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. We drove through the Appalachians to meet the angel-voiced singer-songwriter, Christopher Morse. He and I were to perform in nearby Mechanicsburg that night. (It should be noted, Diary, that much of this drive was underscored by David Lucas Burge’s 12-disc master class on Perfect Pitch.

The Eerie David Lucas Burge

And yes. It was both wild AND crazy.) I quickly realized, as we entered the city-state, that Gettysburg is one of my new favorite places. It maintains a perfect blend of old and new. Aged and modernized. Crummy and shiny.

I also began to notice a series of rather large signs, all directing us to a venerable wonderland known as Mister Ed’s Elephant Museum.

Mr. Ed and an elephotty.

Once this series began, we knew that we had no choice and would be spiritually required to complete this pilgrimage to mecca.

We drove through the magical entrance, Di, and as promised, it was filled with elephants. But not just elephants. Homemade fudge! And puppets! And whoopie cushions! And an enchanted forest! Basically, Di, it was heaven.

It turns out that Mister Ed (who was not “home” at the moment) had been in business for 34 years! Chucks and I took some photos.

JB and an elephant.

I even bought some chocolate-covered sun flower seeds, which I’m eating RIGHT NOW as I type this!

Once we pulled ourselves away, we ventured off to the cemetery where Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg Address. Is was quite amazing. And many of the graves are marked with symbols of the freemasons but that’s a whole other can of worms! We knew we were walking on hallowed ground. If you ever get a chance, Di, go. I only wish we could have stayed longer.

Christopher Morse

Christopher Morse.

and his crew of lovely ladies were a wonderful treat to end a great excursion. We played at Juice & Java in the District of Mechanicsburg, though my set was cut brief by some laryngitis which I am still currently fighting. He filled the room with his heavenly sounds. As did Miss Anna De La Motte (with her own heavenly sounds)

I’m tired now, Diary. I’m taking a nap. Writing is exhausting. I’m going to try to nurse myself back to health.

With a gingerly wave,

jb

And Now, a Word From Our Sponsors

Let’s take a moment to recognize the sponsors that are making One Night Only at the George Street Playhouse possible.

D&M Enterprise - Holmdel, NJ. For all your commercial telecom needs. With         some of the best customer service around.

 www.dmenterprise.net

Salon Concrete - Red Bank, NJ. As a performer, I fully entrust my hair to only them! These people are true artists.

 http://concrete.hostmedic.com/

Perkins Restaurant - Hazlet, NJ. Delicious food and some of the most personable service around. 

Groove Tracks Recording - Holmdel, NJ. Where I recorded my EP. And where I’m doing most of my full length album. They have a great live room and one of the only baby grands in the area. (as far as studios go)                                                                                                                                                                                                                          www.myspace.com/groovetracksrecording        

Harmony Natural Foods - Middletown, NJ. Organic, vegetarian, and all around healthy food on a local level.

Kwasnicki Advisory Services - Red Bank, NJ. Reliable tax service and financial advice. I wouldn’t go anywhere else.

Bedrock Consultants - Red Bank, NJ. A-class insurance and financial services. An associate of Kwasnicki Advisory Services.

The Duncan Family  

The Burns Family 

Without the help of these generous business owners, this show would not be possible. Please support them as they have supported me!

George Street Playhouse, Bikers, and Your Mom

Dear Diary,

     I’m currently listening to my cat Francis howling in the kitchen. She inexplicably cries by herself pretty frequently. If she were a human, she’d be the crazy person in the corner with the smelly hair and the flower-printed top. But I digress.

Guess what’s coming up soon, Di.

…You guessed correctly. My May 15th Show at George Street. I put up another video recently in promotion of it. You should watch it. Don’t feel silly.

I’ve been doing anything and everything one can do in anticipation of a show. You know, like promoting it, organizing it, rehearsing for it, promoting it some more. This is the first time I’ve ever PUT ON an event. Aside from the apparently annual holiday spectaculars I’ve done with Amanda Duncan. Di, it’s scary! There are surprises at every turn!

But I feel confident in my product. That would be me. (How narcissistic…) But it would also be Kate McKinnon. She is funnier than life. How else can it be said? I don’t know.

…

Oh! And I now consider myself a biker. My friend Chuck and I take extensive bicycle rides along something called the Henry Hudson Trail. I even got a new seat for my  bum! It’s exhilarating. We look at all the other people DRIVING around and laugh at how UNLUCKY they are and how LUCKY WE are. “Car-ies.” That’s what we call them. You know, when you’re a biker, you’re just better than other people. Hey. It’s who we are. It’s in our blood. We can’t help it. So this Saturday, to seal our pro-status, we’ll go riding for a 3rd time. 

…

Um…You don’t have to remind me, Di. I can see that this blog is going nowhere fast. I just wanted to hit you up and say hello. Tell you what was going on in MY life.

Lest we not forget the time your entire family was killed in a mass motorcycle accident. I posted a sad face on my Twitter account. AND on Facebook. I think you can at least preTEND to care about my life. Thanks.

…

…

…

So anyway, I can’t wait to see you at the show, Diary. It’s going to be divine.

With a Jovial Wave and a Hair Bounce,

jb

One Night Only – Fri May 15

 

Di,

 

     I’m so excited about this show I have coming up. It’s the one where I get back to my musical theater roots and perform in a blackbox theater. 

 

Soooooort of like this one. But not exactly.

 

 

No, Di. I’m not doing songs from musicals (unfortunately). And I know… You’re not the only person who doesn’t know what a blackbox is, I’ve learned. So let me explain it to you. It’s maybe the single most fantastic blank palette a girl could ever ask for! A room that can be transformed for any type of performance that can fit inside those four black walls. A small theater in the (semi) round.  The one you see up there is just a pic I collected from Google Images. Not the real place. But you get the gist. 

 

At this show, I get to fully realize all the musical ideas I’ve had for the past 2 years. I’m bringing in some of my musician pals to play all sorts of wonderful things like strings, horns, and more. And they are going to make my EP come to life. Well, my EP plus a few more songs I’ve been cooking up. 

But that’s not where the awesomeness ends, Di. So stop trying to interrupt…

At 8pm, my friend Kate McKinnon is opening the night with her one-woman show called Best Actress. She is ridiculously talented and hilarious. I’m so pleased to have her be a part of it, Di. I’m pleased as punch. She’s got some sweet credits like being a part of Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and a cast member on LOGO’s Big Gay Sketch Show. On top of  that, she’s a thoroughly enjoyable princess of a young lady.

 

This is Kate McKinnon.

Di, I think this blog is going to have lots of vids and pics. It can’t be helped. So don’t start complaining to me about clutter.

 

We’ve done a short series of promo vids in honor of the event. You can see the first one right here. 

And the second…

 

Oh come oooon, Di… You you still don’t get it?  Ok, here’s a recap:

A night of sketch comedy and live music

Friday May 15, 2009

One Night Only:

Joanna Burns with Special Guest Comedian Kate McKinnon

Doors at 7:30pm

Located at the George Street Playhouse

9 Livingston Ave.

New Brunswick, NJ 08901

 

I’ll see you there, Di. You should wear that red dress you wore to your sister’s bachelorette party. It made you look very modern.

 

With a firm handshake and a wink,

jb

Dear New York, I Hate You

Dear Diary,

As of the moment, I hate the city of New York. I don’t hate the people. They’re fine. The location is fine. The stuff they have is fine too, I guess. But do you know what I hate? Money-hungry laws. For instance:

I was parked on Allen Street in the village near Rockwood Music Hall where I played a few weeks ago. I got one choice spot too! Right in front. As per usual, a few friends and I took a stroll around the corner to Ludlow after the show and snagged some breakthtakingly delicious crepes at the Creperie. When we returned to my vehicle, it had a ticket on the windshield. I was struck speechless with rage. Apparently street cleaning hours had begun 25 minutes  prior. Now I don’t know if anyone had actually attempted to clean the street during that exact time frame but I guess they just wanted the option. 

I had been parked there for over 3 hours and the last 25 minutes were the only ones that counted. The biggest kick was that if we had just gone home after the show had ended and not stopped for a snack, I would be $65 richer. That was the most expensive crepe I have ever eaten in my entire life.

 

I paid my ticket online today. I will reveal to you the fact that I was shouting to the heavens even as I did this 3 weeks after said offense. I shouted sarcastic remarks about the city of New York being so poor and me being so rich and how they could use this money much more than I could. 

To add insult to injury, as I attempted to “check out” (of a store in which there are no actual products), I incurred a $2 convenience charge for paying my ticket online. But you know what? They’re right. It was so convenient. So convenient to turn over my hard-earned money to the man in the sky and have him tell me, “Wasn’t this easy? How’s about 2 more bucks.”

Backtracking, I shouldn’t say that I checked out of a store in which there were no products. Because there were. I paid $65 ($67)  and they gave me self- pity, unfocused rage,  and a set of prematurely worn-down molars. I walked away with a package deal!

So I should really have titled this blog:

Dear New York, Thank YOU!

 

Getting over it,

jb

I Have Nothing

Dear Madam Diary,

     Remember last year when I was pining over those new ipod touches? Well I ended up getting one a few days ago. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I felt materialistic, flashy, and spoiled. But you have to understand, Di! I needed it to bring to the NACA conferences to show people my music and vids at a moment’s notice. It’s nothing more than a coincidence that this thing is a hand-held miracle.

 

Touch

Holding it feels the way a new born bird would feel if you plucked it from its nest the moment it cracked out of its shell. It makes you think, ‘Dear God. This world is so beautiful. Why do people fight? Maybe I’ll go reconnect with an old friend.” 

And much in the same way one might care for a new child, I have held my Touch close beside me, traveled with it, and slept next to it. I spent a bit more quality time with it last night than I’d like to discuss. It just looked so perfect in all its wireless convenience. I couldn’t put it down. 

So I lay in my bed, making use of my wi-fi connection, and surfing youtube for videos of people doing Whitney Houston covers, as most do late at night. I stumbled upon something that made it all worthwhile.

I don’t have much else to tell you, Di. Except that I’ll be in East Stroudsburg, PA this Fri and Sat. to showcase at the NACA Mid-Atlantic festival. And who do you think will be there with me? Yeah. My Touch. Di, don’t feel jealous. I’d bring you if I could. But you know know you get anxious in large groups.

 

It’s ok. We’ll work on that.

 

Kisses and Gooses,

jb